There’s nothing left, but a million words to say…

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To my baby, Jelly Bean…

I’m not sure what, if anything, was said to you. I imagine something was said somewhere along the way, it is “them” of course. Though, I’m not here to bash or trash anyone, or anything. I’m here to tell you I love you. I love you, “my first-born child.” You’re my God daughter and I was always extremely honored that your father and mother bestowed upon me, at the age of 13, the prestigious title for you. I still am honored, and I take my role as a mother – in every capacity – very seriously.

You and your brother changed my life in such a positive way. I loved you, was proud of you, showed you off, and soaked up every inch and second of your sweet little innocence and awesomeness.

Which is why I had to “divorce” your grandma, father, and uncles. I know I’m your cousin, your God mother, and I know you’re only 14, but I know you’re wise beyond your years. Your soul has lived a million lives and as the years go on, you only make me even more proud of your strength, insight, and wisdom. So I know you understand when I say that I had to let my feelings and frustrations be known and it didn’t go over well. I know how it goes, and I’m not allowed to see you, but just know I’m always here anyway. Every day, all day, no matter what, I am here for you. Regardless of anyone or anything else, no matter who or what says otherwise, I love you with every inch of my heart and soul.

You are amazing. You are so strong, courageous, smart, bright, funny, responsible, caring, patient, kind, and beautiful. My children love you so, so, so much and I’m glad you are such an amazing girl to be such a good role model. All I ever wanted was to be a person for you, in the midst of the crazy that is the broken shells of a family that once was, that could be your lighthouse in the dark. So you never grew up thinking the things that happen are normal or okay. I just wanted to be there for you, to be someone good in your life.

Knowing your sources, I also want to clear something else up. As you may, or may not, know, I used to cut. That’s how I dealt with high school especially. It was a struggle, and it still is. It’s an ugly road and I know you’ve seen your share of them. However, I have not, and will not do it again. I’ve accepted, learned, coped, and taught myself a multitude of things over the years to get me to where I am with it, but the most important thing I learned and accepted was the accountability that went with it.

That was my label in the family now. That’s what was going to be held and thrown against me forever. I let my depression, confusion, and silence literally scar me for life. And before I would ever be okay again and fully understand what I was doing by stopping, I had to accept I’d battle the stigma forever. So, I accept that responsibility. I hold myself accountable.  I make sure I don’t put myself in those positions to ever be doubted in my seriousness of how I’m ready to move on past that chapter. And I do. I have.

And now, though the names and taunts bug me, it’s not for the reasons you’d think. Because it scares me. It scares me that YOU, or my babies, or your brother, or your other cousins and sister could ever feel THAT depressed that I did to do those things. That you’d suffer alone and you don’t need to.

I know how it is. I know what goes on. I know how hypocritical and selfish people can be. How do you deal with that? How do you deal with that when you’re not taught anything better? How do you stop the cycle? Not taking responsibility for your mistakes isn’t the answer. Doing the same thing expecting different results isn’t the answer.

And now, I can’t see you and it kills me. But just know my Jelly Bean, I will always be here waiting for the day I can. Because I love you. And you do matter very much to me. You have the ability to overcome everything everyone throws in your way. You’ll do amazing things and help so many people. You’ll make a lot of people happy and proud. But just know, no one in this world will be able to stop how happy and proud I already am of you. You’re my “Beany Baby” and I’m so lucky to be your God mother, no matter what.

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