Why does my brain suck

It’s been a long time. Too long since I’ve written anything and now I have so much to say.

I’m in a deep depression. I’m not showering regularly, or brushing my hair hardly at all. All I want to do is sleep, though I can’t stay asleep to save my life. We got rid of the horses in October because I wasn’t doing anything with them. I miss them a lot more than I expected to. I actually balked at the idea of Hanson’s String Theory show with our very own Grand Rapids Symphony. Like. Who the fuck am I even.

And the anxiety. Wtf. I’ve lost two jobs now due to the anxiety and the physical symptoms I’m having with it (as in stupid ass vomiting and diarrhea). Most days I was so anxious I couldn’t even leave the house because I was going to the bathroom so much.

So I have applied for disability at Dr. Booth’s suggestion for the meantime. Getting things figured out has been proved to be interesting though. I’ve been denied (of course) so I got a lawyer. He filed for an appeal and we are waiting to hear back on a court date. He said it will take 11 to 12 months until that happens though. So we will see.

In the meantime I’ve kinda went off the deep end. More so than “normal.” All because about 3 weeks ago the girls’ school had a bomb threat and evacuated to the church next door. I never got the call they were evacuating. J and I were leaving Target and Matt wasn’t out of work yet so I texted Kendra to see what she was doing. She was like, “Dude did you just get the call from the school?” And obviously I’m like, “No, wtf?” She tells me all the details and I tell J to hang on and book ass across town. I get there and shit is wild, teachers are directing traffic, it’s a cluster fuck of people, cars, and buses. I grab J and go inside to find the girls. V and Iris are with their classes, sobbing. I grab them and hug them and they’re fine, just shook up. I didn’t want to send them to school the next Monday but did it anyway and ever since I’ve been paranoid.

Paranoid about everything now, it’s driving me fuckin nuts. I don’t want to leave the house. I’m terrified of phone calls. I’m jittery, nervous, extra anxious (lovely, huh), isolated, and irritable. Shit is not good. So I tell Vickie (my counselor) this shit and she recommends a Pine Rest (mental health hospital that I will talk more about) day program. So that’s where I’m at now. Day two of the partial hospitalization program. Which leads me here.