More bitching about A**


Today, as I was getting Avila ready for session at the Autism Center, she asks if she can bring a snack. “Please momma? I wanna bring a snack. In a lunchbox. Like C*. Like M*. Like other kids. I need to be the lucky one with a snack. In a lunchbox. With a drink!” 

So I go about assembling a pack of fruit snacks, a cookie, a Halo, and a sippy cup of water. We put it all in her Trolls tin that my mom got her and Iris from Walmart. We get to the Center and A** greets Avila and notes the lunchbox. She goes, “Oh good, I’m glad. I know you’ve had a hard time with that the past few times I’ve seen you.” Looks at me, “Yeah, a little anxiety.” 

EXCUSE ME?!! My kid had been having fucking anxiety over a fucking snack for no God damn reason for weeks and no one bothered to tell me??! What the fuck is this shit?! What the hell is going on?? 




Avila: “Momma, I love it when Branch sings. I like his voice.”

Me: “Yeah, I like Justin Timberlake too.”

Avila: “No. I said Branch.”

Me: “Branch is played by a guy named Justin Timberlake.”

Avila: “No, I’m pretty sure his name is just Branch.”

Me: “I promise his name is Justin Timberlake.”

Avila: “That’s probably his last name because his first name is definitely Branch.”

I need anger management…


I need to vent…

My daughter receives services through our county and it’s called the Autism Program. They have group sessions at a place called The Hub. There she has a social worker (H**),  a masters level clinician (A**), a bachelor’s level clinician (S**2), and a handful of various therapists. Well, starting at the beginning of this year we got a new masters level clinician in charge of our case. The woman previously was “S**” and she was AMAZING. Kept me super informed on everything. Never had an issue when S** was our one in charge. Well, S** took a new job and so we got the new lady, A**. And I don’t like her. At all. My daughter was supposed to be getting 4 hours of group a week, and 4 hours of 1on1 in the home a week. When I was working I couldn’t be there during her in home sessions but my mom stayed here with her. There were 3 times I had to cancel because I had to work and my mom had appointments. 

Well, at her annual review A** informs me that because *I* hadn’t been participating (which, I don’t anyway as I have two younger children to occupy while they’re there) and the cancelations, they were going to punish my daughter by taking a day (2 hrs) of 1on1 away. (And then I get fired the next day, lol) 

Well, I had a meeting with the caseworker, H**. She agreed it sucked, but it was policy. Ok. Supposedly tells me my daughter’s annual test at HealthWest (the county mental health facility/program that the autism program is run through. It is not at the Hub) is the next day. Well, I don’t ever recall this information ever being informed to me so we miss it. I get a text from Hannah the next day asking what happened. She says she will try to reschedule. 

I bring my daughter to group at the Hub the next day and A** comes out all huffy, going, “She can’t be here since you missed her test and ypu never rescheduled it. She can’t have services until she’s reevaluated.” And leaves.

So, of course my kid freaks out on me when I make her leave with me. And she can’t have services until she does this test and they score it. Okay, I get that part. So, I call this morning to find out what the hell is happening, and her test isn’t until March 22! OMG. 

This is insane! And to punish her because of me? And the test, no one ever informed me about, when it was scheduled in the first place! That’s kind of a huge deal and I should have been informed before the day before anyway. Which I wasn’t. She never said anything about it being scheduled. Let alone the next day! And A** could’ve called me or had someone call before driving 30 mins one way to get there, just to make her leave, make her have a meltdown, and then walk away and not even tell me anything. 

I called the testing place myself today to find out what was going on and they told me that A** rescheduled it for March 22 after I missed it on Thursday!! Ugh!!! She knew Thursday evening that Avila could not come to group on Monday. 

She’s supposed to graduate out of the program this fall anyway but damn!
 I’m really upset because I feel like A** (and H** both) really dropped the ball on this one, and now Avila is the one that suffers. I never missed anything when I had Sheila. I miss her so much right now. I’m so frustrated with Amy ever since I got her. I tried being understanding, being thrown into Sheila’s caseloads and trying to build a relationship with all those families. But now I feel like she doesn’t matter anymore because they anticipate her graduating in the fall.

UPDATE:  H** calls the next day informing me that there has been a cancelation the next day at 1pm! Yes! 

The Great “Mailbox Friends” Adventure 


So, I’ve decided a great way to work on Avila’s writing skills is to set her up with some pen pals. She calls them her mailbox friends. I posted a status on my personal Facebook page and to an Autism Support Group on Facebook as well. What I had originally intended for, was to have her write to three kids. One on Monday, one on Wednesdays, and one on Fridays. Well. That escalated quickly. By the end of the day, I got Avila and Iris enough pen pals to write to two people a day, six days a week. Whoa! So, we will see how that goes. Wish us luck!!

Proof I finally got the living room under control…


Shelf on the right side of the living room. Everyone has their own bin for their small, miscellaneous toys. Blocks, Dino Trux, cars, and the Train sets round out the contents. 

Next to that shelf is the dress up area. Got the shelf unit from Target on clearance for $40. 

The left side of the living room. 

I’d like to get actual shelves when we move to house the Funko Pop collections. I’d like to expand our collection and then arrange them by one set per shelf. We shall see. Right now we have a few of each: Disney Princesses, Game of Thrones, Star Wars, Marvel Heroes, Avengers, Harry Potter, Zootopia, Arrow, Gotham, The Flash, Moana, Scooby-Doo, Supernatural, The Walking Dead, My Little Pony, and classic Horror Villains. Avila just recently completed the Ghostbusters (2016) set of Pops. 



Jensen turned one on the 14th. My baby is one. ONE!

(I’m starting to have baby fever, but the joke is on me, not having any of those reproductive parts anymore and all.)

Anyway, little man woke up to his birthday balloons (every birthday, the kids get a balloon bouquet with their age to wake up to) in a Star Wars theme and his birthday diapers.


Review: The Honest Company – Diapers 


This review is for my July 2016 subscription of The Honest Company’s diapers and wipes. 

This was our first month’s box, since I had went out and spent a lot of money buying their diapers from Target since I needed them ASAP. Jensen had developed a nasty yeast infection and it wouldn’t go away. I finally read about their organic diapers more fully, and ordered our free trial. I decided waiting wasn’t the way to go, so I packed the kids up and got a bunch of their products. His nasty infection cleared up in a day and I now am a huge Honest fan. Anyway, we didn’t need our subscription sent until now. 

On Tuesday, the 12th I received the diapers bundle. I placed my order on the 5th. We had selected 6 packs of diapers plus 1 pack of overnights (instead of getting 5 packs and 1 overnight) and there was some confusion there, but as always, customer service was quick and amazing and have sent out the one missing pack of diapers. 

Since Jensen turns one today, the 14th, they also included in this month’s box a small (seven count) pack of Happy Birthday print diapers. I was surprised and excited about that! 

We received every print we asked for, and our add-ons were tucked away neatly with everything. We got the bottom spray, healing balm, and a swim diaper as our add ons this month and everything was there as expected. 

I love the healing balm because it works on any chapped skin. A little bit goes a long ways, and I even rub some on my dry and cracked knuckles to keep them soft and hydrated. 

The bottom wash spray I love to use on Jensen. Whether he is wet or dirty, I spray and use 1 or 2 wipes and wipe him clean. The wash really helped get him clean when he was especially sore without having to scrub and irritate the skin further. 

I’ve already got my diaper rash cream (will clear anything up in a day, I swear!) as one of the add ons for next month set so I’m excited about that. 

Review: Koala Crate (July 2016)


This is a review for the children’s monthly subscription box called Koala Crate (by Kiwi Crate) for 3-4 year olds. This review is for the month of July 2016. This month’s box theme was Camping. My middle child Iris receives these boxes as a gift.

Iris received her Koala Crate yesterday (Wednesday, 7/13) and I was really excited. I ordered Avila’s Kiwi Crate at the same time (the 1st) and it’s supposed to arrive Monday. At this time Iris hasn’t received her book as a part of the Deluxe package yet either.

Iris opened her Crate with her sister Avila and older cousin Kayleigh. I handed Kayleigh the parent instructions and helped Iris open the supplies. The directions were simple and easy. Kayleigh, at almost 15 years old, was able to easily construct the campfire with the girls using tissue paper, a sticker, and a wooden dowel. They put the felt pieces on the dowel to “roast” their felt hot dogs and marshmallows. They had a lot of fun camping and while Avila took her turn, Kayleigh and Iris put the bear backpack together to keep everything safe and organized. 

I was happy with the crate and will purchase August’s. I think I will keep the crates though, until the books and both crates arrive next month though, so they can each enjoy their own crates. 


A Quick Recap


The last two months have been insane. Maybe it’s my own insanity taking over, but things have really gotten on top of me lately.

Lice – Avila got lice from the Autism Center and now, here we are a month later, and I still can’t get the nits out of her hair. They’re dead/empty eggs, but she doesn’t let me comb it with the nit brush for shit. Even after I chopped off a good few inches, she still is uncooperative with the hair brushing.

Jensen – Jensen will be 1 on Thursday! How can my BABY be a year old already?!?? It’s pretty bitter-sweet because normally now is the time we’d start trying for the next. There are no more babies to be had, so I just need to focus on the three babies we do have. I think recognizing the loss of the other two miscarriages I had helps too. I can’t imagine having five kids if  my two miscarriages (before Avila) would’ve come to be.

Work – I started a new job. I’m still a cashier, but I moved stores. I work at a local grocery/corner store called E&A. They have four locations around Muskegon, and I work at the one closest to my mom’s house. I get more money than the job I was at before, and more hours in a lesser amount of days. I really, really like it even if I’m still not used to the 8-hour shifts (previously I only worked 5 hour shifts). My boss even asked me to start training to become an assistant manager even though I’ve been there two months. So, that made me feel pretty good and confident that this was the right move to make.

Kota – Kota is a girl I used to work with at E&A when I first started. We hang out all the time and I really like her. I’d definitely consider her one of my best friends – if not my bestie after Matt. Though I’m 9 years older than her, she’s wise beyond her years and definitely not like any 19 year old I’ve ever met before. We agree and connect on a lot of things; I just wish she was still at E&A and wouldn’t have moved jobs to the BP down the road from us.

There’s nothing left, but a million words to say…


To my baby, Jelly Bean…

I’m not sure what, if anything, was said to you. I imagine something was said somewhere along the way, it is “them” of course. Though, I’m not here to bash or trash anyone, or anything. I’m here to tell you I love you. I love you, “my first-born child.” You’re my God daughter and I was always extremely honored that your father and mother bestowed upon me, at the age of 13, the prestigious title for you. I still am honored, and I take my role as a mother – in every capacity – very seriously.

You and your brother changed my life in such a positive way. I loved you, was proud of you, showed you off, and soaked up every inch and second of your sweet little innocence and awesomeness.

Which is why I had to “divorce” your grandma, father, and uncles. I know I’m your cousin, your God mother, and I know you’re only 14, but I know you’re wise beyond your years. Your soul has lived a million lives and as the years go on, you only make me even more proud of your strength, insight, and wisdom. So I know you understand when I say that I had to let my feelings and frustrations be known and it didn’t go over well. I know how it goes, and I’m not allowed to see you, but just know I’m always here anyway. Every day, all day, no matter what, I am here for you. Regardless of anyone or anything else, no matter who or what says otherwise, I love you with every inch of my heart and soul.

You are amazing. You are so strong, courageous, smart, bright, funny, responsible, caring, patient, kind, and beautiful. My children love you so, so, so much and I’m glad you are such an amazing girl to be such a good role model. All I ever wanted was to be a person for you, in the midst of the crazy that is the broken shells of a family that once was, that could be your lighthouse in the dark. So you never grew up thinking the things that happen are normal or okay. I just wanted to be there for you, to be someone good in your life.

Knowing your sources, I also want to clear something else up. As you may, or may not, know, I used to cut. That’s how I dealt with high school especially. It was a struggle, and it still is. It’s an ugly road and I know you’ve seen your share of them. However, I have not, and will not do it again. I’ve accepted, learned, coped, and taught myself a multitude of things over the years to get me to where I am with it, but the most important thing I learned and accepted was the accountability that went with it.

That was my label in the family now. That’s what was going to be held and thrown against me forever. I let my depression, confusion, and silence literally scar me for life. And before I would ever be okay again and fully understand what I was doing by stopping, I had to accept I’d battle the stigma forever. So, I accept that responsibility. I hold myself accountable.  I make sure I don’t put myself in those positions to ever be doubted in my seriousness of how I’m ready to move on past that chapter. And I do. I have.

And now, though the names and taunts bug me, it’s not for the reasons you’d think. Because it scares me. It scares me that YOU, or my babies, or your brother, or your other cousins and sister could ever feel THAT depressed that I did to do those things. That you’d suffer alone and you don’t need to.

I know how it is. I know what goes on. I know how hypocritical and selfish people can be. How do you deal with that? How do you deal with that when you’re not taught anything better? How do you stop the cycle? Not taking responsibility for your mistakes isn’t the answer. Doing the same thing expecting different results isn’t the answer.

And now, I can’t see you and it kills me. But just know my Jelly Bean, I will always be here waiting for the day I can. Because I love you. And you do matter very much to me. You have the ability to overcome everything everyone throws in your way. You’ll do amazing things and help so many people. You’ll make a lot of people happy and proud. But just know, no one in this world will be able to stop how happy and proud I already am of you. You’re my “Beany Baby” and I’m so lucky to be your God mother, no matter what.